My Christmas Present

Christmas started out horribly. No money for presents and I was missing my kids, grandkids and friends in California. It was cold in Texas and my in-laws used all the propane for heat, we had to wait 2 days for delivery and froze! Didn't have money for that because the electric bills were so high I had to pay on both of them!
On Christmas day, the water heater blew a pipe and we had to mop up 100 gallons of water. My stepson and mother-in-law were sick, and made all of us sick.
When I got back to work on Friday though, I had an email with a picture of my son and grandson. It's the first I have of them together and it just melted my heart. I pray that God leads, protects, provides and watches over them...my precious boys! I pray He guides, protects and provides for all those I love and care about. Even a few folks I'd like to forget (forgive me Father).
So, an act of kindness salvaged an otherwise miserable Christmas! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to All!

Happy Birthday Little Man!

My little man Z turns one on October 31st! The newest grandchild has totally captured my heart just like the rest. Isn't he just adorable! Look at those eyes and that little pumpkin tooth smile!

His Mommy is expecting a little sister in the New Year so pray for her and their family.

My son would like to be more involved in his son's life but there are many obstacles hindering him. Please pray that God opens the door for jobs, housing, patience, understanding, and guidance for everyone involved. Pray that He leads J to being the man and father God created him to be.

Autumnal Greetings

Autumn greetings to all! I love the change of seasons and two of my favorites are autumn and summer. I've been unexplainably blue and weepy though. Haven't been able to rid myself of the frump so I went for a walk at the local park. It's beautiful there. It's has a lake, trees, manicured lawns, ducks, geese, turtles and squirrels. People play soccer or frisbee flag football. The sky is a rainbow of colors as the sun sets. Even when life keeps throwing curve balls, God "catches" your attention!

Dreams

I had a dream about my father the other day. The stresses of life have just been piling up and compounding over the days and years, and in my dream he was alive and healthy. He was telling me that "everything will be okay hunney bunny". Was it his wisdom that was so comforting to me? Did God know I needed to "see" and "hear" my earthly father so I could cry and wish Daddy would make everything okay? Our Heavenly Father wants us to look to Him with faith for all things, but was this His provision to ease my grief? Oh, the cycles of life. We are blessed to endure them because He gave us life. I'm so thankful for that and for God's love.

So, another disappointment may be had and tomorrow may just be more grief but as a country song goes, "Tomorrow's another day, and I'm thirsty anyway...so bring on the rain."

I'm Not Forgetting My Bro

I'm not forgetting about my brother, B. He has had as many crisis and detours down the path of life as I have. We are only 10 months apart, and for one month each year...we are calendar twins. I'm very close to my brother and proud of the difficulties he's weathered and the great changes he's making in his life. We both miss Pa terribly, but B was his only son and best friend. I love ya' big brother. May God continue to watch over and keep you and yours close. May He grant us smooth sailing and a diminishing of rocky roads as we continue down life's path.

Sisters are a Blessing

I have been extremely blessed with two sisters (and one brother). But, because I'm a woman sisters are a particularly wonderful blessing. We understand each other as women, we share the same parents and similar experiences with our upbringing, and the bond of love and friendship is stronger then no other. We may not always agree, but Lord help anyone who hurts my sisters. Each of us has endured hardships unique to the individual, and each of us has been there to lend a hand, a listening ear or a shoulder to cry upon.
Though I love my brother equally the same, the relationship I share with my sisters is one that I treasure and try to mimick with all my women friends. I guess God knew when he created us that our unique family unit would be the perfect situation for us. I'm so thankful for J and C. I love ya' like nobody else can! May God bless you when we are apart. Know that you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, Your big sis!

Family Reunion

My mother and her twin celebrated their 70th birthday! We all got together for a family reunion and I had the opportunity to see cousins I haven't seen in years. Funny how time flys. My cousin commented on how he didn't feel one bit older then he did when he was a teen. I agree. In many ways, I still think I have so much learning to do, so many things to see and experience yet, and I certainly don't know where the years went.

Happy Birthday Mom! Like your birthday cake said "Aged to Perfection."

MORE OF Z

This is my newest grandson, Z. My son thinks he is his son, but he's not sure and there hasn't been a paternity test. But, even if there wasn't one - this little man has already wormed a permanent place in my heart as my grandson. His is just adorable. And, I am beginning to develop a bond with his mommy. We share a kinship of sorts, as the stories of our lives are starting out pretty much the same.

Please pray for S and E "Z". She just completed her G.E.D. and is enrolling in cosmetology school. Also, pray that I find the ways and means to visit my daughter in August and in doing so get a chance to meet the grandson I've never met.

GOD IS SO GOOD

Two of my sons have found jobs, two more to go (one son and one friend). They desperately need work within two weeks. Also, they need a car (or two) reasonable enough for them to afford. Just a fixer upper to get them back and forth to work. Economical on gas preferably. Please continue to pray for my oldest son J and D.
J (my youngest) was approached by a man after his testimony last Sunday. (And let me tell you, I was shocked and grateful for the change God made in my son's life). The man used to be a Hell's Angel and was into drugs, etc. J's testimony reminded him of his own when he was a young man. He told J, "If you can tell your church family about this testimony ... you can tell others and reach others." "I have been riding my motorcycle and giving testimony ever since I found the Lord." He spent the rest of the service that evening with his arm around J.
He gave J a job at his paint store/business and told him he'd pay for his classes at the junior college. Folks, I PRAYED for a job that would provide for my son(s) needs and put them with Christians who would mentor them as well. God heard my prayer and I consider it such a honor that they were answered. I'm so grateful and feel the perfect love of our Father. It just amazes me!
Please continue to pray for my "middle" son J. Even though he has found a job, I suspect his priorities are askew. It's rained so he can't work when it rains. But, beyond that he promised to pay the first month's rent in the boys' home (they are renting our little house) and is now going back on that promise because he is moving in with a friend. Plus, he and this friends drink alcohol and smoke weed. Neither is 21. Plus, J's son's mother served him with papers for child support. He suspects the child is his, but he's not 100% sure and he doesn't want to pay child support, "because she won't even let me see the kid."
However this is supposed to work out for God's will and purpose, I'm praying with fevor! I also pray that J doesn't have to hit "rock bottom" before he seeks the Savior.
My deepest thanks for praying for my family.

Church Camp Blessed

My son just returned from a trip to New Mexico from church camp. He called the other night just blessed and praising God. He gave his testimony twice and the youth group leader said he was a spiritual giant. Now that he's back, I pray God's love and blessings as well as protection so that it doesn't fade and he continues his journey down God's chosen path.

When I Get Where I'm Going

Artist/Band: Paisley Brad

Lyrics for Song: When I Get Where I'm Going

Lyrics for Album: Time Well Wasted

(Featuring Dolly Parton)

When I get where I'm going

on the far side of the sky.

The first thing that I'm gonna do

Is spread my wings and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,

and run my fingers through his mane.

Or I might find out what it's like

To ride a drop of rain.

(Chorus)

Yeah when I get where I'm going,

there'll be only happy tears.

I will shed the sins and struggles,

I have carried all these years.

And I'll leave my heart wide open,

I will love and have no fear.

Yeah when I get where I'm going,

Don't cry for me down here.

I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,

and he'll match me step for step,

and I'll tell him how I missed him,

every minute since he left.

Then I'll hug his neck.

So much pain and so much darkness,

in this world we stumble through.

All these questions, I can't answer,

so much work to do.

(Chorus)

But when I get where I'm going,

and I see my Maker's face.

I'll stand forever in the light,

of His amazing grace.

Yeah when I get where I'm going,

there'll be only happy tears.

Hallelujah!

I will love and have no fear.

When I get where I'm going.

Yeah when I get where I'm going.

I recently heard this song again and while the tears rolled down my face, I chuckled and smiled. I can just hear my Pop singing this with his deep, booming voice and steely blue eyes sparkling. I imagine him saying these words to me and calling me honey bunny. I can't wait to get where I'm going Pop. I'll try to cry more happy tears for you.

Love, Sudabell

Father and Son

Here is a picture of my Pop (the rock I mentioned in the previous post) and my bro. It must be extremely difficult for my brother to be without Dad. Father's Day for them was unique, as B was his only son. Hang in there bro, we love ya' loads...your sons and grandsons do too!

How Great Thou Art

Every time I hear that song, it makes me cry. It was my grandmother's favorite song, and thus became my father's favorite song. This was the first Father's Day in my life that Dad wasn't here. I couldn't call or send a card and tell him how much I love him. When they sang Dad's song at church, I couldn't stop the tears...I still can't. I looked up to heaven and said, "Happy Father's Day Pop." "I miss you so much."
I read my sister's blog and amazingly (or not so amazingly since it was inspired by God with the help of my Pop in heaven) they sang "How Great Thou Art" at her church service too. I grieve for what is lost, but rejoice for what was gained. Dad is waiting for us in heaven! I try to draw strength and joviality from that. He let me know he's listening and watching, up there with Jesus. His song will forever touch my heart with comfort and I doubt I can ever hear it again without tearing up.
My sons have a fractured, disconnected relationship with their Father. Abandonment, hurt and disappointment are the memories that most paint the picture of their relationship. They don't have a good relationship with my husband, their step-father. It is marked by criticism, condemnation, unforgiveness and anger. I grieved on Sunday (and continue to grieve this week) because they are not as blessed as I was. There are no perfect fathers, or mothers, or daughters and sons. I know this. But, my Dad was always a dad, father, counselor and protector every single minute of my life. Even when he wandered from the chosen path, the love he shared for me and my family was the kind of love God expects of his children. So, I grieve the rock that passed to a heavenly place and cling to the one our Lord provided. I will press on toward the mark, endeavoring to keep my eyes and thoughts and spirit toward heaven because now I see my Heavenly Father and my Pop when I focus there. Lord God, How TRULY Great Thou Art!

Brothers

My oldest son came for his little brother's graduation. The middle son and my daughter couldn't make it. But, this picture reminds me of the bond of brothers. Though they fight and bicker and contest egos and strong willed opinions...the love of brothers is undeniable. Just watch how they react if the other is hurt or in danger. I love you very much boys!

Class of 2007

CONGRATULATIONS and all God's best to the class of 2007!

No Baby Boy

I can't believe it! My baby boy has graduated from high school. He's excited and ready to spread his wings. My husband thinks it's great...but I'm so sad. I've been a Mom since I was 19 years old. I don't know what else to be, or do, or how else to feel. It's a bit of a midlife crisis because I get so sad. Almost like I am losing my identity.
But, pray for my son (all of them). This young man needs God's guidance and direction, protection and intervention. Help him map out a future that is pleasing to you Father God. Let him know how much he is loved by the Lord. Remind him to press on toward the mark, keeping his eyes and Spirit fixed on Jesus. Put a woman in his future (and the future of all my sons) that is rooted and grounded in Christ. These things I pray in Jesus name. Amen.

Heavy Sighs and Heavy Prayers

Just once I wish I would have something positive to write about. Seems that those events are few and far between. I feel so "broken". The burdens of life (and mid-life no less) just seem to be taking their toll. I know this frump I'm in is not of God and I rejoice that He will make a way for me. Still, so many trials have been coming against me. I actually thought to myself recently, "I'd like to go to sleep and then wake up in heaven because the Lord came back when I was sleeping." Just so I don't have to feel depressed, or sick, or hurt and upset. I've been doing the work of three people during my 9-5 job, and then I work on Saturday (and some Sundays) because I'm the sole breadwinner and I don't make enough to make ends meet. I rush home (1 and 1/2 hours from the apartment that is home during the week) on Wednesday nights for bible study...rush back on Thursday to work. Then I go home Saturday night after working all day (or Sunday morning for church) to spend the day with the boys (usually--church, shopping, cleaning and doing laundry), go to the evening service and then head back again to do laundry and dishes at the apartment, go to sleep by 11 for work on Monday morning. My husband is always demanding time with me and we argue about money, kids and God all the time. (He's not a believer). My grandkids call and tell me they miss me. I have one grandson I've never met or kissed or held yet. My sons call and ask for money. My other son tells me he's "outta' here" after graduation in May. He's been hanging with a young man who is of questionable morals and it's breaking my heart. Again...I just feel broken. Like I can't be fixed. Again, my heart knows that God is greater then all of this but my head feels like it's stuffed full with cotton fluff. Heavy Sigh. Say some heavy prayers for me.

Belated Birthday Smooch

Oh, and my granddaughters just turned 7 on the 9th. I sent them presents and they got to open one on their birthday a day BEFORE the party. G picked the package with clothes, F picked the package with a Barbie! This picture was taken a year ago in Disneyland. They are growing so fast.
Happy Birthday to my Honeys! Grandma sends the biggest smooch ever. Love you more than the moon!

Valentines and Birthdays

Here is my late father, and my husband. Dad's birthday would have been the 17th and Valentines Day is the 14th. Two men I love dearly seated next to each other in conversation. Because of Dad's homegoing and because of ongoing life stresses with my husband back in school full-time and finances an insurmountable burden, my heart feels as if it has been squeezed or wrung out. Yet, half-heartedly I DO want to let my husband know I love him and wish my father a Happy Birthday in heaven. So, here is a valentine kiss and a birthday hug from a weary heart. With much love from your wife and devoted daugther!

Final Resting Place

After receiving this picture from my sister, I cried and cried buckets of tears. I guess because it is so final and complete...to see my father's ashes in an urn. But, I was comforted by the fact that this really isn't his final resting place. He's with my Heavenly Father. My Daddy and my Father are together. This vessel simply houses what is left of what was the vessel that housed my Pa's soul. I look forward with anticipation to the day when we can ALL be together. I love you both, my Father and my Pa!

I Got a Star and a Snowflake!

My granddaughter was talking to me on the phone the other night and we were discussing school and class and grades. She said, "Grandma, I got a star and a snowflake on my math paper!" I told her how proud I was of her and how much I missed her and she said, "I know, I miss you too Grandma." "I'll send you my paper so you can have a Star and a Snowflake." Isn't that just the sweetest thing?

Do Ants Have Noses?

My granddaughter F noticed that ants always come in her room when it rains and they seem to "find food crumbs" on the carpet. She said, "It really bugs me." "Grandma, do ants have noses?" I tried to explain the antennae to her, but she didn't believe it.
Then, she was talking to my husband about school (he's in chiropractic college) and he told her he had to study for a test. She said she hated tests and that "You need to finish school and bring Grandma back here." "You're too old for school." "Grandma has a job to do here." He asked her what grandma's job is to do and she said, "To love little kids!"

My firstborn son turned 21 on the 18th of January. A milestone for the young man. It was a bittersweet day for me because he is in California and I'm in Texas. Furthermore, my father passed away just 1 month and 1 day prior. I'm still grieving and my husband isn't understanding or supportive at all. He's focus on his career goals and money issues. His constant bickering and picking is just making life miserable and I react by lashing out. What should have been a happy day for my son was laced with all kinds of sarcasm from my husband because of unforgiven acts done in his youth. Lord grant me the wisdom to change the things I can, the courage to change the things I cannot and the wisdom to know the difference. Happy Belated Birthday son. I love you.