Just Don't Fit Anymore

I feel like a fish out of water lately. Guess it's really been building up the last few years. I don't feel like I fit anymore. Anywhere. With Anyone. And - I'm not just talking about waist size. Don't feel like I fit with most of my husband's family, had a falling out over something insignificant - and we are all Christian's! Plus, my husband shares all of his "issues" about me or my kids with his brother - so they "see me" through "tainted eyes." Again, they are Christians and so am I. Where is the forgiveness? Go Figure. My husband is a DC now, so I don't fit in that "educated circle." Actually, he's having more life experiences in Mexico without me right now. He has all "male" hobbies and I don't fit there because I can't relate or perform. My kids have a strained relationship with him - so it puts a terrible strain on me. I feel like I don't really fit as "Mom" either, because they are all adults now. My advise and opinions are "old fashioned" and discounted. Angry sentiments for life's hard times are directed or blamed on me. They don't relate to me or need me like they used to - and more often then not, I feel used (like an afterthought) instead of loved or admired. Haven't lived back in California for over 5 years and don't feel like I fit in the old circles there. Hardly anyone keeps in touch. So much has changed and I've been left out of the loop save for one friend back there. I haven't lived in Wisconsin in over 23 years...and though my family is there, I don't really fit there anymore either. Life has dealt me some hard times and while they empathize, I'm not sure they can truly relate to me on many levels. We've lived separate lives for so many years. Don't have any real friends to vent with or have fun with and hang out in Dallas...cuz' I've spent the last 5 years working 7 days a week. I have associates at work, but other than a school chum (who lives an hour away) not really fitting in there either. No money, no exceptional attributes, nothing to offer really. Haven't been to church much because of car problems, and Pastor retired. All the kids that used to go with my kids are in college so when I get there I don't recognize half the people anymore. I just don't fit anywhere. I always want to be anywhere else but where I am in the given moment. It's a very uncomfortable feeling. Wish I could shake it.

Wonderful Family

God Bless Us All in 2010! I love you guys!!

My Grandchildren!

It's been over 5 years since I moved from California to Texas. I'm saddened by all that I missed in the growing years of my grandchildren. But, every visit I have is a cherished memory. Look how they've grown! Aren't they beautiful? God truly blessed me when He gave me grandchildren. He blessed me with children who bless me with grandchildren. Though life is an unending struggle, this is something to be thankful for because there are many who would love to have children and cannot. God, place a hand of guidance and a hedge of protection around these precious little ones. I love them so much and know you love them more (which is difficult to comprehend). Place people in their lives who will teach them to walk in YOUR ways. When I am apart from them, remind them how much I love them. I pray this in Jesus' name, Amen.

It's a New Year

It's a New Year and hopefully a time of New Beginnings. So far, it seems like the same stresses, burdens, worries and fears. Same arguments and frustrations. Do I want to lose weight and get in shape? Yes. Do I hope my financial situation improves? Of Course. Do I want my relationship to grow stronger? Who wouldn't? Is there much to pray about in the world (family, friends, economy, government, health, forgiveness, our daily walk with God)? Most certainly!
As a mortal, it is all too easy to get caught up in the chaos and distraction of the 21st century. (An old trick of the adversary). I'm the Queen of busy and distracted. "Give it to God, take it back. I can handle this." Not! It's all too easy to be a "victim" and harder to be proactive and tenacious about our true purpose. (Especially when married to an unbeliever). But, I revel in the moments God lets me know He is with me every moment. The loving whispers that all is not lost in despair and there is love - there is hope. Even when it's 17 degrees outside, the sky is blue and clear - I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for my job, thankful for my children and grandchildren, thankful for extended family and good health. I thank God He chose me to walk with Him by sending Jesus.
So, I start the New Year rejoicing and prayerfully acknowledging all that He is and does for us. I pray for my son in the Marines and all those being deployed. I pray for my son and daughter who are unemployed. I pray for the safety of my son who is a semi driver. I pray for all of my family members who are lost or have strayed from God's path for them - please draw us near to you and keep our eyes and hearts focused heavenward. May God bless you in many, many ways this year.

Veteran's Day Afterthoughts

I've been thinking about Veteran's Day, and reading a lot of books about terrorism (my 20 year old son is a Marine and I'm trying to educate myself). I have a lot of patriotism in my family that I hadn't truly recognized until just yesterday. My late father was in the army (as was his brother, my Uncle Jack), my husband and his brother were in the Navy (and their father, my father-in-law served in the army), their sister Melanie served in the army, the boys' Uncle Herb was a Marine, I have a nephew in the Army (Michael Schommer) as well as some friends I acquired through my sons (Billy Ellison, Bryce McNeely and Michael Shephardson), another young friend is about to graduate from MCRD as a Marine (James Monroe), I have a nephew and a friend in the Airforce (Mitchel Bayes and Jeff Fortner), my former boss Michael Fassio and many more who served our country whose lives have touched the fringes of my own.
As I read "The Sand Box", "Heros Among Us" and "Fear Less" it made me realize that what these people do is not only for our country and the freedom that is our birthright, but they are truly trying to do God's work for all countries. Each day, they work His mission by showing the world what liberty, freedom and peace really means! It is the desire of all people. They endure and train and perform for the sake of others. They all sacrifice for us by serving and putting our needs before their own - and some sacrifice all by giving their lives to the task. The passion, dedication and courage they exemplify has humbled me in a great way. I'm so grateful to each of them, so thankful for every man and woman who are the sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, mothers, fathers and comrades in arms with brothers and sisters from all walks of life that make America beautiful.
My prayer is that God would open our eyes to our own duty, here at home. That we wouldn't be complacent or callous about terrorism and war. That we don't spout opinions tainted by media as our own but will instead educate ourselves and be aware with a keen mind and heart. Though we don't always agree with it, God in His infinite wisdom can use the wicked things in life for the good purpose of all.
I pray that none harden their hearts to veterans or military personnel but instead, give them the praise, thanks and support they deserve from their country and their people. For the injured and broken, let us do everything we can to help them live the rest of their life with dignity and honor. They do this for you and me! And for those who grieve and have suffered loss, my prayer is that God provides you with a covering of strength to endure the days ahead. May He offer you peace and the knowledge that your fallen hero is in the hands of Christ our Savior who loves them even more then you. He knows what giving the ultimate sacrifice for saving others is all about. They wear a special crown for what they did in the line of duty.

Too Many Blogs

I have too many blogs and never enough time to keep up. I MIGHT get on each of them once a month. I don't know how people who constantly update can possibly get any work done! I mean, with MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, Plaxo and all the rest...you could literally be on the computer all day. I can't do it. I just can't. Not with good conscience anyway.
In this age of electronics, gamers, cell phones and PDAs, the do everything in the fast pace hurry and get to the party mentality, I think I might be slipping into the "old fashioned" category. At 51 years old - I guess I'm entitled to. And, truthfully, I'm not sure I want "everyone" to know my every thought, mood, frustration, screw ups and/or joys. You become disconnected from life when you are reading it in print rather then experiencing it in "real life". Being glued to your phone, computer or television makes you a slave to the media and someone else's opinions. And I'm not just talking reality shows here folks. Like Garth Brooks song "The Dance" you simply have to experience the good, the bad and the ugly as well as the love and happiness in life. Trust me, I've had my share of all of it. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. But you know what? Thanks to the good Lord, I'm going to continue on the road I started...in the way I started...the good "old fashioned" way.

Homesick

My son graduated Pfc meritoriously promoted. My stepson graduated high school. Another son is an OTR semi driver and another is trying to enlist in the army (albeit a few major obstacles to overcome first). My daughter and all my grandkids are in California and I work so much I don't have any real friends or hobbies. My husband is always studying and we're too broke to do anything (like go on a date to a movie or anything). I'm homesick for "life the way it used to be" when the kids were smaller and still looked up to and needed their Mom. To busy weekends watching soccer games or football practices and summers going camping or on road trips. I miss family in Wisconsin I never get the time or money to visit them. I never even get back to my little church in Rio for Sunday service. Heavy sigh, heavy heart.

Son Made Squad Leader

I'm SO proud of my 19 year old son who made squad leader. . .in Marine bootcamp. "With great privlege comes great responsibility" he said. He only gets 4-6 hours of sleep a night. But, he's enjoying the challenge and it's molding him into a new man. I pray for his strength, endurance, protection and guidance. Thank you Lord for being our Savior and for covering my son with blessings.

Disappointed in Obama

I may be ruffling the feathers of many of the President's followers, but I have absolutely NO confidence in him. His speech last night was all "vanilla" and just another campaign speech. So many hidden agendas in his stimulus plan are just plain unconstitutional. Have you noticed that the stock market keeps dropping as a result of his decisions and directives? It's only been a couple of week's since he's been in office! He continues to "blame" his predecessor for the state of economy. PLEASE! It's beyond panic mode and I don't think he can patch it up with his "feel good" speeches. I can't believe how many of the American people bought into this dog and pony show. The only thing I can do now, is hope things change for the U.S.A. and pray that God takes charge of the President and his cabinet.

Proud Parent of a U.S. Marine

My youngest just shipped off last week to San Diego for boot camp. I'm now the proud parent of a U.S. Marine! I pray that he doesn't go to Afghanistan. But, I trust in God to take care of, guide, and protect Joe on his life's journey.

Check In

I haven't been on my blog space since December! I have 3 now, this one - My Space and Facebook. And ya' know, I never have time for them either. It's supposed to be a place to journal your life and make new friends, check in with folks. I seem to be missing the boat.

Too much work and not enough play. Besides, my husband hates these things. Although, I won't even get into the things he surfs the net for that absolutely outrage me.

Suffice it to say I'm plugging along day by day and getting older by the second. I don't feel like I'm almost 50, but I do feel like I've worked my whole life and not had near enough fun, relaxation and stress free livin'.

So, pray for me and I'll pray for you. May God lead us all down the path we are to go and not lay too may difficult trials in the journey.

Peace out.

My Christmas Present

Christmas started out horribly. No money for presents and I was missing my kids, grandkids and friends in California. It was cold in Texas and my in-laws used all the propane for heat, we had to wait 2 days for delivery and froze! Didn't have money for that because the electric bills were so high I had to pay on both of them!
On Christmas day, the water heater blew a pipe and we had to mop up 100 gallons of water. My stepson and mother-in-law were sick, and made all of us sick.
When I got back to work on Friday though, I had an email with a picture of my son and grandson. It's the first I have of them together and it just melted my heart. I pray that God leads, protects, provides and watches over them...my precious boys! I pray He guides, protects and provides for all those I love and care about. Even a few folks I'd like to forget (forgive me Father).
So, an act of kindness salvaged an otherwise miserable Christmas! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to All!

Happy Birthday Little Man!

My little man Z turns one on October 31st! The newest grandchild has totally captured my heart just like the rest. Isn't he just adorable! Look at those eyes and that little pumpkin tooth smile!

His Mommy is expecting a little sister in the New Year so pray for her and their family.

My son would like to be more involved in his son's life but there are many obstacles hindering him. Please pray that God opens the door for jobs, housing, patience, understanding, and guidance for everyone involved. Pray that He leads J to being the man and father God created him to be.

Autumnal Greetings

Autumn greetings to all! I love the change of seasons and two of my favorites are autumn and summer. I've been unexplainably blue and weepy though. Haven't been able to rid myself of the frump so I went for a walk at the local park. It's beautiful there. It's has a lake, trees, manicured lawns, ducks, geese, turtles and squirrels. People play soccer or frisbee flag football. The sky is a rainbow of colors as the sun sets. Even when life keeps throwing curve balls, God "catches" your attention!

Dreams

I had a dream about my father the other day. The stresses of life have just been piling up and compounding over the days and years, and in my dream he was alive and healthy. He was telling me that "everything will be okay hunney bunny". Was it his wisdom that was so comforting to me? Did God know I needed to "see" and "hear" my earthly father so I could cry and wish Daddy would make everything okay? Our Heavenly Father wants us to look to Him with faith for all things, but was this His provision to ease my grief? Oh, the cycles of life. We are blessed to endure them because He gave us life. I'm so thankful for that and for God's love.

So, another disappointment may be had and tomorrow may just be more grief but as a country song goes, "Tomorrow's another day, and I'm thirsty anyway...so bring on the rain."

I'm Not Forgetting My Bro

I'm not forgetting about my brother, B. He has had as many crisis and detours down the path of life as I have. We are only 10 months apart, and for one month each year...we are calendar twins. I'm very close to my brother and proud of the difficulties he's weathered and the great changes he's making in his life. We both miss Pa terribly, but B was his only son and best friend. I love ya' big brother. May God continue to watch over and keep you and yours close. May He grant us smooth sailing and a diminishing of rocky roads as we continue down life's path.

Sisters are a Blessing

I have been extremely blessed with two sisters (and one brother). But, because I'm a woman sisters are a particularly wonderful blessing. We understand each other as women, we share the same parents and similar experiences with our upbringing, and the bond of love and friendship is stronger then no other. We may not always agree, but Lord help anyone who hurts my sisters. Each of us has endured hardships unique to the individual, and each of us has been there to lend a hand, a listening ear or a shoulder to cry upon.
Though I love my brother equally the same, the relationship I share with my sisters is one that I treasure and try to mimick with all my women friends. I guess God knew when he created us that our unique family unit would be the perfect situation for us. I'm so thankful for J and C. I love ya' like nobody else can! May God bless you when we are apart. Know that you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, Your big sis!

Family Reunion

My mother and her twin celebrated their 70th birthday! We all got together for a family reunion and I had the opportunity to see cousins I haven't seen in years. Funny how time flys. My cousin commented on how he didn't feel one bit older then he did when he was a teen. I agree. In many ways, I still think I have so much learning to do, so many things to see and experience yet, and I certainly don't know where the years went.

Happy Birthday Mom! Like your birthday cake said "Aged to Perfection."

MORE OF Z

This is my newest grandson, Z. My son thinks he is his son, but he's not sure and there hasn't been a paternity test. But, even if there wasn't one - this little man has already wormed a permanent place in my heart as my grandson. His is just adorable. And, I am beginning to develop a bond with his mommy. We share a kinship of sorts, as the stories of our lives are starting out pretty much the same.

Please pray for S and E "Z". She just completed her G.E.D. and is enrolling in cosmetology school. Also, pray that I find the ways and means to visit my daughter in August and in doing so get a chance to meet the grandson I've never met.

GOD IS SO GOOD

Two of my sons have found jobs, two more to go (one son and one friend). They desperately need work within two weeks. Also, they need a car (or two) reasonable enough for them to afford. Just a fixer upper to get them back and forth to work. Economical on gas preferably. Please continue to pray for my oldest son J and D.
J (my youngest) was approached by a man after his testimony last Sunday. (And let me tell you, I was shocked and grateful for the change God made in my son's life). The man used to be a Hell's Angel and was into drugs, etc. J's testimony reminded him of his own when he was a young man. He told J, "If you can tell your church family about this testimony ... you can tell others and reach others." "I have been riding my motorcycle and giving testimony ever since I found the Lord." He spent the rest of the service that evening with his arm around J.
He gave J a job at his paint store/business and told him he'd pay for his classes at the junior college. Folks, I PRAYED for a job that would provide for my son(s) needs and put them with Christians who would mentor them as well. God heard my prayer and I consider it such a honor that they were answered. I'm so grateful and feel the perfect love of our Father. It just amazes me!
Please continue to pray for my "middle" son J. Even though he has found a job, I suspect his priorities are askew. It's rained so he can't work when it rains. But, beyond that he promised to pay the first month's rent in the boys' home (they are renting our little house) and is now going back on that promise because he is moving in with a friend. Plus, he and this friends drink alcohol and smoke weed. Neither is 21. Plus, J's son's mother served him with papers for child support. He suspects the child is his, but he's not 100% sure and he doesn't want to pay child support, "because she won't even let me see the kid."
However this is supposed to work out for God's will and purpose, I'm praying with fevor! I also pray that J doesn't have to hit "rock bottom" before he seeks the Savior.
My deepest thanks for praying for my family.