Heavy Sighs and Heavy Prayers

Just once I wish I would have something positive to write about. Seems that those events are few and far between. I feel so "broken". The burdens of life (and mid-life no less) just seem to be taking their toll. I know this frump I'm in is not of God and I rejoice that He will make a way for me. Still, so many trials have been coming against me. I actually thought to myself recently, "I'd like to go to sleep and then wake up in heaven because the Lord came back when I was sleeping." Just so I don't have to feel depressed, or sick, or hurt and upset. I've been doing the work of three people during my 9-5 job, and then I work on Saturday (and some Sundays) because I'm the sole breadwinner and I don't make enough to make ends meet. I rush home (1 and 1/2 hours from the apartment that is home during the week) on Wednesday nights for bible study...rush back on Thursday to work. Then I go home Saturday night after working all day (or Sunday morning for church) to spend the day with the boys (usually--church, shopping, cleaning and doing laundry), go to the evening service and then head back again to do laundry and dishes at the apartment, go to sleep by 11 for work on Monday morning. My husband is always demanding time with me and we argue about money, kids and God all the time. (He's not a believer). My grandkids call and tell me they miss me. I have one grandson I've never met or kissed or held yet. My sons call and ask for money. My other son tells me he's "outta' here" after graduation in May. He's been hanging with a young man who is of questionable morals and it's breaking my heart. Again...I just feel broken. Like I can't be fixed. Again, my heart knows that God is greater then all of this but my head feels like it's stuffed full with cotton fluff. Heavy Sigh. Say some heavy prayers for me.

Belated Birthday Smooch

Oh, and my granddaughters just turned 7 on the 9th. I sent them presents and they got to open one on their birthday a day BEFORE the party. G picked the package with clothes, F picked the package with a Barbie! This picture was taken a year ago in Disneyland. They are growing so fast.
Happy Birthday to my Honeys! Grandma sends the biggest smooch ever. Love you more than the moon!

Valentines and Birthdays

Here is my late father, and my husband. Dad's birthday would have been the 17th and Valentines Day is the 14th. Two men I love dearly seated next to each other in conversation. Because of Dad's homegoing and because of ongoing life stresses with my husband back in school full-time and finances an insurmountable burden, my heart feels as if it has been squeezed or wrung out. Yet, half-heartedly I DO want to let my husband know I love him and wish my father a Happy Birthday in heaven. So, here is a valentine kiss and a birthday hug from a weary heart. With much love from your wife and devoted daugther!

Final Resting Place

After receiving this picture from my sister, I cried and cried buckets of tears. I guess because it is so final and complete...to see my father's ashes in an urn. But, I was comforted by the fact that this really isn't his final resting place. He's with my Heavenly Father. My Daddy and my Father are together. This vessel simply houses what is left of what was the vessel that housed my Pa's soul. I look forward with anticipation to the day when we can ALL be together. I love you both, my Father and my Pa!

I Got a Star and a Snowflake!

My granddaughter was talking to me on the phone the other night and we were discussing school and class and grades. She said, "Grandma, I got a star and a snowflake on my math paper!" I told her how proud I was of her and how much I missed her and she said, "I know, I miss you too Grandma." "I'll send you my paper so you can have a Star and a Snowflake." Isn't that just the sweetest thing?

Do Ants Have Noses?

My granddaughter F noticed that ants always come in her room when it rains and they seem to "find food crumbs" on the carpet. She said, "It really bugs me." "Grandma, do ants have noses?" I tried to explain the antennae to her, but she didn't believe it.
Then, she was talking to my husband about school (he's in chiropractic college) and he told her he had to study for a test. She said she hated tests and that "You need to finish school and bring Grandma back here." "You're too old for school." "Grandma has a job to do here." He asked her what grandma's job is to do and she said, "To love little kids!"

My firstborn son turned 21 on the 18th of January. A milestone for the young man. It was a bittersweet day for me because he is in California and I'm in Texas. Furthermore, my father passed away just 1 month and 1 day prior. I'm still grieving and my husband isn't understanding or supportive at all. He's focus on his career goals and money issues. His constant bickering and picking is just making life miserable and I react by lashing out. What should have been a happy day for my son was laced with all kinds of sarcasm from my husband because of unforgiven acts done in his youth. Lord grant me the wisdom to change the things I can, the courage to change the things I cannot and the wisdom to know the difference. Happy Belated Birthday son. I love you.

Dad's Homegoing

My father passed away on Sunday at 6:32 p.m. Complications from the cancer, possibly a blood clot. I'm saddened that I didn't get to see him one last time while he was still alive, but I did get to tell him how much I love him and he me. God is merciful, and he kept Dad's suffering short. The song by Mercy Me is playing right now on my computer "I Can Only Imagine" and we are going to play "Homesick" at the services too. One day, we'll have a joyous reunion with my Dad and our Heavenly Father.

Thank you for all your prayers. Bless you as we rejoice for my Father.

Chemotherapy

Dad started chemotherapy yesterday, and my sisters sound absolutely wiped. I cried because I couldn't be there to at least uplift them and hold Pa's hand. The stress of being in a helpless situation is taking it's toll on me. I can't sleep, I've gained weight and my neck/back/shoulder are hurting continuously. Now, my hip hurts too. Then I think to myself, "What a wuss. Dad's going through hell and I'm complaining of headaches and pain!" I get so mad at myself. I pray everyday for a miracle cure to buy some more time with my Dad. Cancer is such an ugly word and an ugly disease!
Please pray for my Father and my Mom and siblings. This is a trying time. They found more spots of cancer (one on his liver and one in his shoulder now). We all need faith and strength and a gentle reminder that God is in control.

Visiting Grandpa

My daughter arrived to visit Grandpa and Grandma. It was late and they were all tired, but thrilled that she got to spend time with them. Dad is looking pretty weak and Mom is being as strong as she can. Please pray for them both. For strength, faith and health. Pray that the doctors would be wise in their care of Dad. And also that we can continue to rally around them both during Dad's illness. It's financially, emotionally and physically taxing...especially for my siblings who live there.

Here is my baby sis with her niece and nephew. They make a handsome picture -- I only wish the visit were for a different reason. My son loved it so much there, he's talking of moving there for good! Pray that God's hand intervenes with his newborn son and that situation. If it be God's will, I ask that Jordon take full custody of his son. I pray that God would bless him with the parenting skills to be a Godly father and that my son would raise him in the Lord. My daughter needs prayer for her family finances and health too. She has back pain of unknow origin.

Have Faith

During my father's illness and all the ugliness of cancer, a gentle friend reminded me to have faith.

Luke 20:29
The Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."

So many people have the attitude "I believe it when I see it" Faith does not work like that. Faith is the believing without seeing. We have faith that God exist because of all He has truly done for us. If I didn't have Christ in my life there is no telling where I would be. I know my life before Him was not headed in the right direction. He saved me from anger, pain, and so many other things. I truly believe that He is the only reason I am still alive! He let me live another day so that I could be a witness for Him. So that is what I am doing. I am sharing His Word in hopes that someone who does not know him will come to know him!

Let me be first to say coming to Christ does not make myself or anyone else perfect. We are flesh and we sin...ALL OF US! But is does give you an opportunity for a better life, an eternal life in Heaven with our Father. But let me also tell you it will not be easy, especially if Satan felt like he already owned you. He will fight to keep you from choosing Christ. He will bring things to make you feel like Christ has not stood by you, but Christ will NEVER leave you or forsake you!!! He promised that in His Word. We just have to have the faith in Him that He will take care of us no matter what! Trust in God, choose God to be the Lord of Your Life.

God bless you and keep you!

Z Concerns

My new grandson Z has brought some concerns to the forefront. My son (Z's uncle) took his brother (Z's daddy) the 60 mile trip to visit his one month old son. The mommy has a new boyfriend who wouldn't allow her to take Z to visit his Daddy and wouldn't allow my son to go visit Z. Anyway, he finally got to go visit and Uncle J is very concerned. He called me about it and said something to his brother J. Daddy just became defensive.
Uncle J said that he's (the baby) lethargic and not responding like a normal one month old (he has lots of Uncle and big brother experience). He said there are 3 cats in the household and if Z is like his Daddy, he's very allergic to cat dander. He said he wakes up and then throws up, has a rash on his face and is wheezy. He said he doesn't focus his eyes and something just isn't right. He seemed to unresponsive. What am I to do? I told him to try to convince the mommy (or his brother, my son and the daddy) to take him to a doctor to get him checked out. Might just be allergies.
My daughter called on the cell and tried to talk Uncle J into taking him to urgent care or calling CPS but he was afraid of upsetting his brother and fearful she'd never let J see his son again.
Please pray for this situation.

Bonding with Grandpa

My son had the opportunity to visit with Grandpa and bond a little more. Dad filled him in on all the dirt about his mother (me) and things I did when I was younger. J just loved it! He even took Grandpa to one of his radiation treatments. I'm so thankful God has allowed us these precious moments with precious people.

Praise the Lord

Dad has prayerfully considered and accepted to try chemotherapy! He's been feeling a little better due to radiation treatments and gained some confidence in his doctor. I'm so thankful to all those who have been lifting him in prayer. Please continue to do so and pray for my mother and siblings who have been tirelessly taking care of him. I ache because I can't be there to help out.

Unity Prayer

Well, we have a few more details about Dad. Just as grim and shocking as the initial diagnosis. Although, he still has to meet with the oncologist the doctor spoke with him today. It's stage 4 lung cancer and it's in his bones and the adrenal glands near his bladder or kidneys. He has a spot the size of an orange on his left lung and smaller spots on his right. So far, it hasn't gone to his brain.

There's a slight chance that chemo could extend his life, but Dad has (so far) said no to chemo because he's watched friends go through it and suffer so much. They can only do radiation on one area (for pain relief) so that would probably be his lower back area.

The new prognosis is 3-6 months (with no chemo).

So, I'd appreciate all your prayers in Dad's behalf. We're all taking this pretty hard. I mean, I know I'm 48 years old...but I'm just not prepared to lose my Dad. He's 72 and that's just too young. But, I will take your advice and go to see him over the holidays...tell him how much I love him and leave nothing unsaid (as if I were capable of doing that--leaving something unsaid that is).

Pray with me now if you would.

Dear Heavenly Father,
It is with gracious hearts and thankfulness that we come to you today. And, your word says that where two or more gathered in your name...so we pray collectively to you now. Lord God, you knew the path my father's life would take and all that he would endure during his life before he was even created in his mother's womb. You knew the timing of this illness and you know the final outcome. Father God, we lift Dad up to you today. Ease his pain and suffering, and if it be your will grant him the courage to make the right decision for the proper course of treatement...whatever that may be. Be with Mom now and in the coming months Father. Her health is frail at best and her spirit is so tender. Allow me and my siblings the time and financial means to support them through this Lord. I don't know how, but I know you can provide a way. And, if small miracles are in order I would ask that my children and grandchildren have the opportunity to see their grandpa one last time before he goes home to be with you.
And, one last respectful request Father God. For all my friends and family who have fallen prey to the nicotine addiction. Lord, give them strength to quit before it's too late. I know how difficult ANY addicition is, but this particular addiction is and always has been heavy on my heart. My sons, my daughter, my sister, my brother along with countless friends need your strength and conviction to quit. Please give them that strength to quit once and for all. Touch their bodies and minds with a healing touch.
Thank you for all that you are and all that you do. You are the Holy Father, Master Physician and Healer. We count on your grace and mercy each and every day.
It is in the name of your son Jesus we pray, Amen.

Pray For Dad

My father was just admitted to the hospital. He's lost 50 pounds in the last month or so. Has been experiencing debilitating pain and getting quite weak. The gave him a CT scan and saw something suspicious and gave him another. There may be a tumor.
Heavenly Father, we praise and adore your Holy Name. Father God, I lift up my father "D" (and my mother "C") to you this very moment. Lord God, if there is a tumor please deliver a healing touch. Provide Dad with the best care in every aspect available. Father, you are the author of miracles. If it be your will, provide a miracle for Dad. Let the tumor be benign and removable. Strengthen both my father and my mother during this time. Lord Jesus, your healing touch would deliver him from sickness and pain. Please provide him with a complete and expedient healing.
It is in your precious name I pray, Amen.

Welcome to the World!

This is the newest member of the family "Z"! Isn't he cute? Well, of course his grandmother would think he's adorable as she's a little biased. I have been waiting DAYS for a sneak peek at him and it finally arrived.
Welcome to the world baby boy! God bless you, you little miracle from heaven. May He protect and guide you all your days.

Love always,
Grandma

He's Here!

My grandson was born yesterday at 7:45 AM (on my sister's birthday) E or his nickname Z weighed in at 7 lbs 7 oz (exactly what his father weighed) and was 19 1/2 inches long. Welcome to the world Z! Grandma loves you!! So does God!

Happy Birthday Shenna

This is my sister "Shenna". The baby of the family (and spoiled rotten), she is also my best friend and a very loving, Christian mother. She turns (let's see...I'm 11 years older and I'm 48) 37 today! She hates that her birthday is on a "pagan holiday" but, truthfully God has perfect timing and for whatever reason He chose this day to be the day of her birth!
I'm the one who suggested her middle name and my father heard a beauty queen with the same first name. So, not only was she beautifully and wonderfully made in our mother's womb by God, but He allowed her family to chose her name! Well, her birth name anyway. Her married name is another story. LOL! I love her husband like a brother so I'm just getting a little dig in.
Happy Birthday Sis. May God Bless you today and every day of the coming year.

Surgery Success

Well, Big J had his surgery a week ago. So far, it seems to be a success. He had this funky ice machine apparatus for the first few days on his shoulder to help with swelling. It has a little motor in a cooler that you fill with ice and there are two tubes attached to a specialized bladder that is held by velcro to his shoulder. He's already trying to reduce to the pain medication and only took 2 doses yesterday. I'm believing God assisted the surgeon in repairing the damage so that he's as good or better then new when he's all healed up! The stitches come out Friday, just in time for him to go see his little brother J play a home game for parents night.
By the way, little J's team got stomped last week 48 to 7. BUT, the highlight of the evening was that the one and only touch down was made by wide receiver (you guessed it) JB!!! Caught it on the 30 yard line and ran it in for the TD. Way to go son!!